كان يا ما كان قديم الزمان وسالف العصر والأوان، كان هناك رجل ستيني وصل حديثا إلى سن التقاعد.
وتلك مرحلة عمرية تقف أمامها حائراً عند مَفرِقِ طرق، فالشعور بعدم الفائدة وعدم القدرة على التأثير شعور محبط، فضلاً على ساعات الفراغ الطويلة التي لا تستطع ملأها بأي نشاط اعتيادي. ولا ننسى أنها مرحلة عمرية يخف فيها البصر والسمع وتضمر العضلات وتضعف الذاكرة، وأما القدرة الجنسية فحدث ولا حرج.
التعامل مع هذه المرحلة يتطلب حكمة لا يمتلكها كل الناس، فالبعض يتزوج مرة ثانية أو ثالثة ليثبت رجولته، والبعض الآخر يتحول للمجون والانحلال، ومنهم من يطلق لحيته ويعتكف بالمساجد، بينما يذهب آخرون إلى الحج والعمرة مرات ومرات، وقد يصاب البعض بذبحة قلبية من كثرة بلبعة الفياغرا والمنشطات الجنسية.
بالعودة إلى حكايتنا يا سادة يا كرام:
في يوم غائم كئيب، كان صاحبنا المتقاعد يتجول في أزقة المدينة بخطى بطيئة مرتبكة، مترنحا كأنه زومبي، تبدو عليه ملامح الإحباط والكآبة والخوف. لو نظرت إلى وجهه، تراه شاحبا مغبرّاً وكأنه قد فرّ للتو من قبره.
خلال سيره، سمع صوت موسيقى، طبلاً وزمراً وهتافات وضجيجاً وغناء، تتبع مصدر الصوت فوجد نفسه أمام بيت ضخم، ومجموعات بشرية كبيرة تدخل وتخرج.
وقف لدقائق يراقب من بعيد، محدقا مفنجراً عينيه وموجها إصبعه إلى رأسه كما هو موضح بهذه الصورة.

محمد الشهاوي يفكر، أو يبحث عن قردة عقله

كانت الأفكار والتساؤلات في عقله تتقافز كالقرود الغاضبة.
بصراحة، أنا في البداية حاولت تحليل الغاية من التقاط هذه الصورة، فقلت لنفسي لعله يحاول الضغط على مفتاح خفي تحت جلدة رأسه، وهو زر صغير مسؤول عن تشغيل العقل للبدء بالتفكير، لكني اكتشف متأخرا أنه كان يحاول الإشارة إلى أحد القرود القافزة داخل عقله ليسأله عن ماهية هذا المكان.
بعد تردد، دخل صاحبنا إلى هذا البيت، وبدأ بتفقد المكان، وقف في وسط الصالة الرئيسة صامتاً متسمراً في مكانه، وقد توسعت عياناه أكثر مما كانتا عليه، لم يستطع تفسير ما يحدث، لكن جاءته النجدة من أحد قروده القافزة الموجودة في عقله، توقف القرد عن القفز وأخبره أنها حفلة، وعليه أن يقلّد الحضور ويتصرف مثلهم حتى لا يلفت الأنظار إليه وحتى لا يقال عنه (العبيط أهو)، وفجأة ومن دون أي سابق إنذار بدأ بالرقص مع الراقصين والزعيق مع الزاعقين من دون أن يعرف ماهي طبيعة هذه الحفلة ولا من أقاماها ولا على شرف من أقيمت، حتى إنه لم يسأل أي أحد من الحضور عن ما يحدث بل ظل يزعق ويصرخ ويرقص حتى آخر الليل.
أحب صاحبنا هذا المكان وصار يتردد عليه بشكل يومي، لكنه كان وحيداً، لا أصدقاء، ولا شلة ولا حتى أعداء، فالناس كانت تتحدث بأشياء لا يفهمها.
ومرت أيام وأسابيع وشهور هو على هذا الحال، يفتح غرفة وينام فيها إلى صباح اليوم التالي.
عادت إليه حالة الإحباط من جديد، وجلس وحيدا في غرفته، مع أنّ أنه كان يترك باب الغرفة مفتوحا لعل أحدهم يدخل إليها ليلقي عليه السلام، لكن للأسف لم يكترث له أي أحد. وبدأت حالته بالتدهور وكاد أن يدخل مبكراً في مرحلة تقاعد جديدة…
وفي ليلة ما، وقبل أن يخلد إلى النوم، وبعد أن نامت كل القرود المستوطنة في عقله، لاحظ أن أحد القرود لا زال مستيقظا.
فسأله: ماذا عساي أن أفعل، أريد العودة إلى ذلك المكان لكني أريد أن أكون معروفا ومشهورا ومهما.
أجابه القرد الحكيم: عليك أن تتمرد على شخصيتك القديمة المملة والعادية، أنت مواطن مسلم سني صالح وهذا شيء جيد، تصلي وتصوم وحجيت إلى بيت الله أكثر من مرة، وهذا ممتاز، لكنه لا يكفي.
وأردف القرد قائلا: أتبع هذه الوصايا العشرة لتنجو من سجن العدم وتحلق في عالم الشهرة.

  • أرفع من شأن المشايخ، وعاملهم معاملة الأنبياء.
  • اصنع أعداء من كل الطوائف والملل، فكلما كثر أعداؤك زادت قيمتك.
  • إذا وقعت في أحد مصائد النكارى وتمكنوا من الانقضاض عليك بحديث أو رواية أو رأي فقهي لا حل له لا بكتب السابقين ولا اللاحقين، فاطلب النجدة من الشيخ شاكر للترقيع، وإذا كان غير متاح، فعليك بالمهندس علاء.
  • لا تجيب عن أي سؤال وادعي الجهل والعبط لو لزم الأمر.
  • لا تتوقف عن طرح الأسئلة، وكلما أجابوا عن سؤال اتبعه بسؤال آخر.
  • اسأل النكارى السؤال الذهبي، كيف تعلمتم الصلاة.؟
  • سجل كل الغرف بما فيها الغرف الخاصة.
  • تصيد أخطاء الآخرين وافضحهم في كل مكان، وتجاهل أخطاء أهل السنة (باستثناء الشامي).
  • افتح ثريدات خاصة وقل فيها ما تشاء ولا تسمح بالتعليق أو الرد عليها.
  • لا تهاجم كل الأعداء في آن واحد، بل تفرغ بالمطلق لمهاجمة حنان علي فقط.

نفذ اللوذعي هذه الوصايا بحذافيرها، وسطع نجمه، وكبر شأنه وذاع صيته. وتحول من شخص مهمش لم يسمع به أحد إلى شخص معروف ومشهور إلى حد ما.؟


السؤال الذي يطرح نفسه، كيف تمكن اللوذعي من تحقيق هذا الحضور رغم جهله التام بكل ما يتعلق بالدين، فهو لا يعرف من الدين سوى العبادات التي تعلمها عندما كان صغيراً، ومازال يطنطن بها إلى هذا اليوم.
للإجابة على هذا السؤال كان لا بد من الدراسة والتمحيص واللجوء إلى التحليل النفسي والسلوكي لصاحبنا المهندس الشهاوي.
بحثنا في التاريخ وطلبنا من برامج الذكاء الاصطناعي العثور على شخصية تاريخية تتقاطع سلوكياً مع شخصية الشهاوي، فظهرت النتيجة بتطابق بنسبة 99% بين شخصية الشهاوي وشخصية جُحَا.
خصائص شخصية جُحَا:
الصفة الأولى: الذكاء، لم يتم إخضاع السيد الشهاوي لاختبار الذكاء، لكنه وحسب ما تواتر عنه فهو، مهندس وتمكن من بناء مستقبل جيد وحاله ميسور وهذا شيء صعب المنال على الأغبياء. فهو إن لم يكن فائق الذكاء هو بالتأكيد ليس غبيا.
الصفة الثانية: الفكاهة، هل من شك أن جُحَا كلوب هاوس هو كوميدي من الدرجة الأولى، فله قفشات جميلة، على الرغْم سوقيّتها وقدمها، لكنها محاولات محمودة لإضحاك الناس.
الصفة الثالثة: البساطة، لو استمعتم إلى مداخلات البشمهندس كلها، فهو يبدأ بالعبارة التالية، “يا جماعة أنا إنسان بسيط على قدي”.
الصفة الرابعة: الحكمة، بالعودة إلى تسجيلات الشهاوي، فهو دائما يقول، أنا شخص أتعلم من تجاربي، وأستفيد من الدروس، وبحاول أطور نفسي، وهل هناك من حكمة أكثر من ذلك.؟
الخلاصة: محمد الشهاوي شخص يشعر بالملل والإحباط فقط، وكل ما يفعله هو تداعيات سن التقاعد.
المشكلة أنه انتفخ وتضخم قليلا وتحول من مواطن عادي إلى “جُحَا هذا الزمان”

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